At some point in the past milennium (I could be more precise, but why?), a bunch of Dutch pirates landed on a little triangular island at the bottom of the world. They called this island Van Diemen’s Land. After discovering land at the bottom of the Earth, they freaked out (because there be Dragons and Jason Donovan!), and headed back to their home shores, sending their prisoners there as punishment…Now, these Dutch dudes were basically like the Indian government. They found their little island, and were content with what they knew.
Then one day a dude by the name of Cook, Captain Cook (who likes his brine salty, and his crew scurvy-free) stumbled onto another piece of land. This piece of land actually turned out to be quite big. As big as America in fact. It even had it’s own Bush, only its Bush wasn’t named George, and it couldn’t speak bad English, because it wasn’t human. So after bonking the natives, and then getting killed, Cook was awarded the honour of having discovered the great landmass to the South. This Land Mass had been ‘predicted’ by lots of dead white men previously, and they felt there had to be something to ‘balance’ the large continents north of the Equator. They were right.
But what they couldn’t predict is that the soap opera ‘Neighbours’ would be running for 28 years, or that Australians would decided to combine tight shorts,banians and a lot of physical contact with a rugby-like ball, and call it “Footy”(you could be a tourist and call it “Australian-Rules Football”, but only income-tax collectors, lawyers and communists would do that).
So to cut a long story even longer, Somebody figured out that the Dutch were a bunch of idiots, because they sailed right around Tasmania, without figuring out that it was just off the Southeast tip of Australia, leaving poor Australia undiscovered for a bit.
Ah Australia, home to the kangaroo, the barbecue, big-breasted woman (all of them, somehow…) and beer.
It here that we begin our story. In the next post…because this one has become too long.